The 2011 Phillies: World Series Dreams Rent Asunder and Bad Nicknames

Now that the world series is upon us, I felt compelled to crawl out of writing hibernation to attempt to sum up my thoughts on "the one that got away" - i.e. the Phillies 2011 campaign. In one very short, very frustrating, very annoying 5-game series, the Phillies took what was inevitable (a World Series appearance) and made it something unreachable.

They were outplayed, outlasted and outwitted, succumbing to the most humbling and equalizing of all things in sports - hubris. I don't believe for one second that the St. Louis Cardinals were better than the Phillies, but the Cards are in the World Series. Perhaps there was an air of inevitability in Philadelphia - unfortunately, the Phillies transferred this trait to St. Louis by playing like a corporate softball team that had kicked the keg before the end of the 2nd inning.

Following the Phillies has been like going through the five stages of grief:

2007 - Amazement. 1st postseason in 15 years. Just happy to be there.

2008 - Joy. 1st World Series win in 28 years. Perhaps they should have disbanded the team.

2009 - Confusion. We lost in the World Series? To the Yankees? And we had a better team than in 2008? And the Yankees were really not all that good? Come again?

2010 - Frustration. A no-hitter in the playoffs? First one since 1956? Good start. Losing to a far inferior team in the San Francisco Giants? Continuing what would become a pattern.

2011 - Anger. Losing in the first round to the Cardinals? And not because of Albert Pujols - arguably the best player in the game? Because nobody was able to hit the ball and nobody could stop Ryan Theriot and David Freese?

I think the Phillies woes might boil down to one thing. A long tradition of sad, sad nicknames.

As most Phillies fans do, I loved Harry Kalas and miss him terribly during baseball season. But there were two things that Harry did that I did not like.

One was when he would sing "High Hopes." I'm sure this is considered blasphemy, but there it is. I think Harry had a great voice for broadcasting, but not so much for singing.

Two was the nicknames. They were atrocious. In a lot of cases, it was add an 'r' or a 'y' (or some form thereof) to the guys name. Laker. Krukker. Schmitty. Eisey. Inky. Really? Laker?? Lenny Dykstra was "Dude." When he came from New York, he was "Len" and he was "Nails." I liked Nails much better. This at least displayed some imagination. Darren Daulton was "Dutch." Eh. Surely such a fan favorite deserved better.

And it hasn't gotten any better over time. Year after year, the Phillies are last in the league in QNG (quality of nicknames given). Often, players are left without a nickname. It's a travesty.

Let's look at it in terms of the current players:

Jimmy Rollins - JRoll. This is at least as bad as the 'r' and 'y' mentality. No imagination. By this methodology, I should be MFran. It's like a few years back when, via the internet, you could get your own Wu Tang Clan nickname (I am "Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin" in case you were wondering). The fact that, most likely, nobody reading this remembers this indicates how interesting it was. I maintain that "JRoll" is every bit as not interesting as the Wu Tang thing.

Shane Vicorino - An exception to the rule. "The Flyin' Hawaiian" is actually a good nickname. It goes beyond adding something to a name, contracting a name or making a nickname based on a similarity to another name (which is often a stretch). This nickname is catchy, rolls off the tongue, makes kids smile and rhymes. Credit where it's due for this one.

Chase Utley - Does he even have a nickname? This is a case where he's been a great player, but there isn't a whole lot of personality. Gets tons of extra credit for "World Fu**ing Champions" though. No more need be said - perhaps Chase was so good, he doesn't require a nickname.

Ryan Howard - Where do I begin? Again, I don't know if he has a nickname, but I can think of a few - and they're not very nice. The Shift. K-Man. Mr. September. 1-2-3. A great hitter when he's on and a bowel movement when he's not. It's telling that St. Louis walked Hunter Pence to pitch to Howard, and he obliged by making an out. I really try to stay positive about Howard, but he makes it hard. Feel free to suggest nicknames in the comments (all four of you who may read this).

Hunter Pence - Not sure if he has a nickname, but I don't care. The guy's a gamer and that's good enough for me.

Raul Ibanez - Again, not sure if he has a nickname. But I do wish the fans would have come up with something with more bite than "Rauuuuuuuuuuuuul!"

Carlos Ruiz - Again - "Choooooooch" ?? Adding lots of vowels is nice, but a bit tiresome. But at least he has a decent nickname. It's better than freaking 'Pudge' - a dumbass nickname that seems to be bestowed to a catcher regardless of whether or not the guy has any pudge to speak of. Does Ivan Rodriguez seem like a 'Pudge' to you? Me neither. Carlton Fisk? Maybe.

Placido Polanco - This may be the worst transgression of them all. Polly? Polly. Oh, come on!!! The guy is a classic throwback player who has good at bats, is a good fielder and generally just plays the game right. Give him better than Polly!! Polly want a decent nickname??

Roy Halladay - What can one say? Great pitcher, maybe the best in baseball. But the nickname (and yes, I know it came with him from Toronto) - "Doc" ?? Ugh. What's up, Doc? A bad nickname is what's up. As a result of this nickname, we have had to endure Gary Matthews calling him "Holliday" for the past few years. It's not Sarge's (good nickname) fault - "Doc" Holliday is a fairly well known historical figure. It's a jolly holiday with you, Roy - except for the nickname.

Think of the nicknames out there that - when you hear them, you know exactly who the person is.

Sweetness. Magic. The Great One. The Splendid Splinter. The Iron Horse. The Big Hurt. Mr. October. Spaceman. Charlie Hustle. Say Hey Kid. Dr. J. Joe Cool. Broadway Joe. Big Mac. The Sultan of Swat.

There was (and IMHO, should be) a kind of beauty to nicknames. They should go beyond the simplistic. They should invoke a mind's eye image of the player in his salad days. And, I note with interest, that none of the above listed nicknames have an added 'r' or 'y' - but all of them should conjure up the face or achievement of the person.

Of course, in the ESPN world in which we live, folks like Chris Berman have thrown around myriad nicknames that did not stick. Which is good. The negative legacy of this, however, was when carelessness, laziness and folks just plain thinking that they are soooo clever, led to nicknames that never existed before the 1980s being retroactively assigned to greats of the past: "Teddy Ballgame" and "Donnie Baseball."

I remember the nicknames "The Kid" and "The Splendid Splinter" - But I had never heard "Teddy Ballgame" until around the time of the 1999 All-Star Game in Boston. If there is any written verification of this nickname occurring prior to, say, 1980, I'd love to see it. I also do not recall Don Mattingly having a nickname during his playing days. He was just one of the best players in the game at the time. And that was enough.

Unfairly, I am mostly picking on the Phillies here, but that's because I'm a homer, and the Phillies are my fave team. I'm sure that other teams have some equally tedious nicknames. But that's their problem. I just want to help the Phillies return to World Series glory. And I think better nicknames would be a step in the right direction.