How do you solve a problem like J-Roll?

♪♪♪♪

How do you solve a problem like J-Roll? 
He climbs the order and gets an ofer 
His uniform has got a tear 
He whiffs on his way to .207 
And pitch selection ain't there 
And underneath his Oakleys 
He has bravado in his heart 
I even heard him singing in the dugout 

He's always loathe to take 
But his lack of patience is unreal 
He's always loathe for walking 
Only 16 times this year 
I hate to have to say it 
But I very firmly feel 
Right now, he's not an asset to the Phillies 

I'd like to say a word in his behalf 
J-Roll is a fan favorite! 

How do you solve a problem like J-Roll? 
How do you stanch a proud man of renown? 
How do you find a word that means J-Roll? 
A fielding whiz! A baserunning threat! An MVP! 

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him 
Many a thing he ought to understand 
But how do you make him stay 
And listen to all you say 
How do you get Charlie on board? 

Oh, how do you solve a problem like J-Roll? 
How do you hold a talented mofo in your hand? 

When I'm watching him I'm confused 
Out of focus and contused 
And I never know exactly why he's there 
In the leadoff spot - despair! 
He's swinging like a tether 
He's a player! He's a leader! He's a fan fave! 

He strikes out with some zest 
Drive a manager to his rest 
He could throw a whirling dervish out at first 
He is talented! He is wild! 
He's a riddle! He's a child! 
He's a headache! He's a problem! 
He leads off?!? 

How do you solve a problem like J-Roll? 
How do you stanch a proud man of renown? 
How do you find a word that means J-Roll? 
A fielding whiz! A baserunning threat! An MVP! 

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him 
Many a thing he ought to understand 
But how do you make him stay 
And listen to all you say 
How do you get Charlie on board? 

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Charlie? 
Please, Charlie move Jimmy down in the order! 

Sing it to the tune of the great Rodgers and Hammerstein song "Maria" from the great movie The Sound of Music.

I apologize heartily to Mssrs. Rodgers and Hammerstein for what I've done to their fine creation.

Philadelphia Phillies SWOT Analysis

Overview

The Philadelphia Phillies are among the oldest baseball teams in the United States. The company is also one of the least sucessful franchises in Major League Baseball (MLB) history, having won only two World Series championships in 126 years of existence. The company actively markets baseball, captive audience and nigh on prohibitively costly parking, overly expensive and watered down beer and reprehensibly pricey food; as well as owning and operating several minor league baseball teams.

The company's strength lies in its strong and growing young hitters, which (a good amount of the time) give it a significant competitive advantage. However, the Phillies face the threat of the expected slowdown of their pitching staff and the increasing Met and Brave burden and the volatility in Florida and the rest of the National League (NL), which could affect the company's level of production and lead to decline in overall top of the divison standings.

Strengths

* Expanding Market Share in Division 
* Strong Win Margin 
* Strong Growth Prospects 
* Away Games Operational Performance 
* Expanding Market Share in Divison 

The company's compounded annual playoff rate (CAPR) for seasons was 40% during 2004-2008. This was below the National League East sector average of 60%, but equal to or above any individual team average, which was 40% for rival company the Atlanta Braves and 20% for bitter, hated arch rival firm the New York Mets.

A higher than sector average CAPR may indicate that the company has outperformed the average sector growth and gained league share over the last four years. The company achieved this growth as a result of better competitive position players due to getting their heads out of their butts, bucking conventional wisdom and hiring the unconventional Charlie Manuel as manager, building a kick-ass new stadium and catering to the fan - with the clear knowledge that catering to the fan is always the most important component to any successful team.

Totally objective chart of 2004-2008 NL East division leaders

Year    Ranking    Wins    Divison Winner

2008    FIRST!     92       PHILLIES * 

2007    First!     89       PHILLIES 

2006    second     85       Mets ** 

2005    second     88       Braves

2004    second     86       Braves 

* Won World Series and proved they were the best team 

** ##!@!##!#@!!!!

Strong Win Margin

Put simply, the Phillies won more games than the Mets did in both 2007 and 2008, and this led them to the postseason. That's all you really need to know.

Strong Growth Prospects

After winning the World Series, the Phillies allowed wily veteran Pat Burrell to walk, replacing him with the far more mobile Raul Ibanez, who is a fielding improvement, a speed upgrade and is far less prone to streaky batting performances. Even though he was a fixture in Philly, and we kinda miss Pat - but we're likin' this Ibanez guy.

Away Games Operational Performance

Who the hell can figure this out? The Phillies are freakin' 13-22 at home and 26-12 on the road. Discussions are ongoing to change the appearance of Citizens Bank Park to look more like whatever stadium it is that the Washington Nationals play in. It's also been discussed to bus in rude New York Met fans to provide the proper level of booing to ensure the Phillies do not feel at home when playing in Philadelphia. Of course, the likelihood of Arlen Specter meddling in these efforts and effing it all up is strong, so the discussions are being held in a secret location unknown to the author. Pity.

Weaknesses

* Dropdown in Run Support 
* Rise in Home Runs Surrendered 
* Geographic Consternation 

Dropdown in Run Support

Like any smart operation, you try to strike a balance. Anyone who looked at this team from last year to this could see that the pitching was a bit suspect. But did they take any major steps to upgrade the staff? Nooooo. I mean, Cole Hamels is great and all, but what's behind him? Ahem. As I was saying, the Phillies have suffered from an inability to push runs across the plate. As is well known in baseball, you can't win if you don't score more than your opponent. You could look it up.

Rise in Home Runs Surrendered

For whatver reason, balls are flying out of the park faster than you can say "Not again!" Needless to say, this increase in home runs by opposing teams (which leads NL pitching staffs), has contributed mightily to more than a few freaking Phillies losses. It would be nice to see fewer homers surrendered, guys. Just sayin'

Geographic Consternation

No. Can't say it again. It aggravates me. Please see the "Away Games Operational Performance" section under "Strengths" - you get the idea.

Opportunities

* Expansion into American League Markets
* Positive Outlook for Second Half of Season
* Leading In All-Star Voting

Expansion into American League Markets

This could have been a positive area for the Phillies, but noooo....they lose two of three to Boston, three to Toronto, three to Baltimore (!), two of three to Tampa Bay and then, by some too late miracle, take two of three from Toronto. Maybe this section should have been under the "Weaknesses" heading.

Positive Outlook for Second Half of Season

Holy crap! Could it get much worse? If not for the Mets injuries and their overall ability to match the Phillies crappy loss to teams they should be beating, the season would be shaping up quite differently. With any luck, the Phillies will get to the All-Star break and get things together. Then a nice 10 of 12 win streak would go nicely to help increase the division lead.

There is also talk in Pennsylvania of having the Phillies play the Nationals for the remainder of the season. Hey, it sounds good to me. The Phillies own them, after all. Oh right - like you wouldn't want that for your team. Fine - so there's no discussion like that going on. But there should be.

Leading In All-Star Voting

Chase Utley and Raul Ibanez are leading at their positions. Nice job, voters. For once, you got it right. Not that the All-Star game means anything, but go ahead and win it anyway, NL. Just in case. Nice rule, Selig, you...

Threats

* Playing the Mets
* Playing the American League
* The Pitching Staff
* Not Scoring Enough Runs
* Playing Home Games

Look, this has gone on long enough. Suffice it to say that they don't play well against the Mets; they suck ass against the American League; the Pitching Staff gives up too many homers, too many runs and needs to have more quality starts; the offense is often guilty of leaving too many frigging men on base; and they stink on ice at home. What more do you want? If you read any of this, you'd know all this already!

Note : The author should have used a wide range of research methods to gather and verify his information. These would have included sports related web sites, team websites, written reports on the teams and press releases. The author lazily contented himself with cursory checks of data on ESPN's web site.

2008 World (you know) Champions: The Sequel

Yes, it's the summer movie season, and like most summers, there are plenty of movies to see, including a few sequels.

Unfortunately, also just like most summers, there are some really tired and unappealing offerings in the theaters.

I was high on the new release 2009 Philadelphia Phillies. It looked like a sure thing... and then the movie season started. But before we get into that, let's have a look at some of the other contenders in this summer's movie mix.

* 2009 Tampa Bay Rays - currently ranked 4th in the AL East box office. Has a chance to put on a summer surge and move up a few spots, though.

* 2009 Boston Red Sox - This franchise is on it's 5th sequel, and has hit the top of the money list twice. It came close to the top spot last year, but fell to a somewhat disappointing 3rd on the list.

* 2009 New York Yankees - Almost not worthy of making mention, but since this franchise always stirs the pot, I'll dash off a few words about it. Since finishing 2nd in the AL East box office in 2007, and falling off the list following the release of that year's surprise hit the Cleveland Indians last year's Yankees opus floundered to a not-really-even-that-close 3rd place in 2008.

You can always count on silly and unwanted drama when talking about the Yankees. Studio heads made the questionable - and in hindsight BAD (although many critics, including yours truly questioned this decision the second it was made) - decision to replace Oscar (R)-winning director Joe Torre with the unproven and volatile Joe Girardi.

Let's just say that the jury is still out, but it looks like the 2009 Yankees will be a make-or-break outing for Mr. Girardi. My money is on the Yankees making yet another directorial change in 2010. Unless Girardi is replaced before the 2009 sequel's run is even completed - a very likely possibility. He's over budget, and behind schedule. And the money men are not known for their patience... or judgment.

* 2009 Phillies - Where to begin? Some sequels just suck. This one looks to be the most disappointing of all. They stink on ice in home theaters and can eke out a good performance the further they are away from tinseltown. Sure, the original had all the right elements - timely performances, career making effort and just the right amount of luck.

But this film has been out for over two months now, and except for a strong showing the week of the Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Mets releases about two weeks ago, this sad sequel has been on autopilot... and all the instruments are dead.

There are plot holes you could drive a truck through, there are few compelling characters besides Chase Utley and Raul Ibanez and they can't seem to draw at the box office with any consistency. Add in the .217 lead off weekend that started in Rollinsville and the 86 strikeout fiasco in Howard County and you've got a flop in the making.

Is there hope for the 2009 Phillies sequel? Many experts (not yours truly) didn't think this film would even compete for 2nd place in the NL East box office. But this plucky film has managed to hang in there, holding on to a slim lead over the aforementioned Mets, who have put together an equally inept film.

Like the Phillies, The Mets flick consistently fails to capitalize on opportunities. For three weekends, the Phillies couldn't buy a win. They lost money and moviegoers to the Red Sox, the Toronto Blue Jays and the Baltimore Orioles. It wasn't even close.

But the Mets, looking like they are headed for a third consecutive poor showing (how did the first sequel get a green light, let alone this one?), were only able to scratch out modest wins while the Phillies floundered in pathetically spectacular fashion.

Back to the Phillies now. It would be refreshing to see some fundamental changes made to the marketing efforts of the Phillies. PR Manager Charlie Manuel has stuck with the same tired formula through thick and thin. Even tonight, leaving the plan intact, to the tune of 0-5, in effect dropping the weekly take to .214. It almost seems like they are TRYING to lose money.

Going with the guy who brung ya is noble, and justifiable when that guy wins an Oscar (R) and gives you great returns like .296, 30 and 94 in the start of the lineup. But when it dips to .277, 11 and 59, and then plummets to the putrid levels that have been on display thus far... it's time to seriously consider a change. Maybe shake up the lineup a bit. Move some folks around.

As badly as the 2009 Philadelphia Phillies have played, it's still tops in the NL East box office. But it's way past time to stop remembering how great the 2008 film was and focus on the 2009 edition.

It's not too late. All of these films are still competing for the moviegoers dollars and the coveted Oscar (R). It's anyone's game. If the Phillies can get their crap together, they have a very good chance of making a run at the type of earnings they had last year. Imagine that, a sequel worth seeing. Two thumbs up.

Originally posted on armchairgm on June 24, 2009.

Phillies Pitching Settles In; And Some Offense Never Hurts...

Well, let's see...earlier, I complained about the Phillies and their lack of solid pitching. Now that they've rattled off four consecutive wins with some decent pitching outings, I might have to change my tune a bit.

Last week hit a lot of bad notes, starting with Brett Myers' thoroughly wretched line against the Marlins:

IP  H  R ER BB SO HR PC-ST ERA 
5.2 7  5 5  1  3  2  94-57 4.66

Ugh. Enough to make you want to freakin' hurl. Five earned runs on seven hits and two homers surrendered. Then add the lackluster offensive performanace: eight hits and two solo homers accounting for whatver signs of life the Phils had (and there were not many) in a 6-2 loss. To a pitcher (Burke Badenhop) who has a grand total of five wins (and five losses) in his career. Emetic.

And then the news that we will be losing Myers for the season? Not exactly like losing Steve Carlton, I admit, but the Phillies losing any pitcher with an ERA less than 8 can't be a good thing.

Cue Sj-rantocycloid....

But wait, what's this? Here come the Nationals. But not so fast, my friend. The Phils have proven that they are quite capable of losing to teams they should be beating. Remember a two game sweep against the Padres earlier this season?

But what happens? JA Happ throws a gem and the Phils get a tight 5-4 win over Washington.

IP  H  R ER BB SO HR PC-ST ERA 
5.1 3  3 3  3  5  1  96-62 3.00

Well, it's not a 2-hit shutout with 9 Ks, but for a Phillies pitcher, it's pretty damned good. And - look at that - offense! Thanks, All-Star Raul Ibanez and your two RBI. Hey Phils - see what can happen when you score some runs?

Next up - a bit of a slugfest, but the Phils come out on top, registering a 9-6 win punctuated by two Ryan Howard homers (one a grand slam) and an RBI courtesy of pitcher Cole Hamels.

IP  H  R ER BB SO HR PC-ST  ERA 
6.0 8  6 6  1  7  1  104-67 5.21

His line was a bit rough, but it was good enough for the win. And he's the only pitcher I'm not concerned about, so we'll move on to the next game now.

And the sixth time is the charm, as the Ancient Mariner Jamie Moyer nails down that elusive 250th win. Moyer surrendered one run, but other than that, a very good outing:

IP  H  R ER BB SO HR PC-ST ERA 
6.0 3  1 1  0  4  1  102-62 6.75 

And this game was just what the doctor ordered. Chase Utley drove in a run in the bottom of the 1st, and Chris Coste added a homer in the 2nd to give Moyer the early lead. It's a formula that works. I am hoping to see more of this concoction as the season goes on.


Finally, we get to Joe Blanton, who has struggled a bit this year. And lo and behold, here's his stellar line from a 5-3 win over the Padres:

IP  H  R ER BB SO HR PC-ST ERA 
7.0 6  3 3  1  5  2  95-62 5.86

I could have done without the two homers (I'm sure Blanton would say the same thing), but if you give up 3 runs in the MLB, you should still reasonably expect to have a fighting chance to win. Utley and Howard provided just the right kind of offense: the home run kind. Utley drove in two runs, and joined Howard in a back-to-back extravaganza.

All this coupled with some Mets losses, and all is right in the NL East again. Thank you, Pirates!

Now that the pitching and hitting seem to be working hand-in-hand, I seem to have run out of things to moan about. Not to worry - this is the Phillies we're talking about. They never seem to go too long without giving me something to bitch about.

And tonight - A debut outing for Antonio Bastardo against the crafty veteran Jake Peavy. Sounds like good fun to me. Go Pirates! And more importantly - go Phils! Don't change a thing.